Are you coming or what?

[verbatim]

Ansaphone message 1:
"Hello? . . . Hello? . . . Hello? . . . It's one of them machines Eric. [long silence] Oh I'll do the carpet and try it later on. I don't know why . . . [unintelligible]"

Ansaphone message 2:
"Hello? . . . Hello? . . . There's three here but I want you to do mine first because it's in the way. . .  can you do mine first? . . . I'm going to the shops now though so don't come 'til after dinner. Eric it's still a machine. . ."

Ansaphone message 3:
"Hello? . . . Hello?. . . It's not good enough, you know, it isn't . . . mine's in the way . . . Janice said there was a lorry coming . . . I don't know . . . oh, Eric, it's still a machine, I don't know what . .  Oh, Janice says there's four because of Mr McCluskey on the corner. Eric, turn that damn thing down! Look . . .oh . . .I don’t know . . ."

Ansaphone message 4:
[Coughing fit] "Look, Mrs Scott is ever so upset she says the dust will get on her chest. Mine's in the way . . . that’s the thing, mine’s in the way . . . are you coming or not? . . . Can you let Janice know so she can take Mrs Scott to The Badger while you do it? She can't just get her out just like that because of the chair."

I listened to these messages in some perplexity, then at 4.15pm the phone rang.
"Hello."

"Can you just tell me when you're coming? Are you coming? Will it be today now?"

"Could you just let me know who you are?"

"Oh well it's Mrs Haig from number 16."

"Err, that's number 16, err, where?"

"Well [exasperated] Sherman Square."

"That's North Melton isn't it?"

"Yes it is” [exasperated], then with a hand over the mouthpiece, “Eric, they don’t even know where we are!” Then to me, “Are you coming today or what?"

"Now look [gently], you're going to have to give me a bit of info here. Have you got a fault with your TV reception?"

"What?"

"Your television."

"Television? It's nothing to do with the television. What do you mean? Will you need to move the television? That's ridiculous that is. It’s all a bit much this I don't mind telling you . . . look . . ."

"Well, we look after the TV aerial system on your estate. If your TV picture goes funny it’s us that fix it. I haven't heard any complaints today though."

"It's the fireplaces."

"Err, well, we just do the TV system."

"[Pause] Oh I'm sorry love, I thought you were doing the fireplaces. Who's doing the fireplaces then, do you know?"

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't even know you were having them done. You could try the Works Department (Janice will have the number) but I think they’ll have finished by now."

"All right love, I’ll try them tomorrow. Ohh, I'm having a tottering time with this I can tell you. It’s the dust you see. Do they make much dust? Janice says it's not right all this. Anyway it's not your fault. Thank you."

“All right love, try that number tomorrow. Tell Janice you rung the aerial firm about the fireplaces.”

“Oh I will love,” (laughs) “but she thinks I’m as daft as a brush as it, so it won’t make any difference!”