Overheard at the coming-out ball of Lady Fenella Gipton-Smythe

“How odd, Lady Fortesque, that you should mention 10mm studding, or mild steel threaded bar as some people call it, today of all days! I must tell you about Ron! He’s a little man I know and if you need some 10mm studding (or mild steel threaded bar as some people will insist on calling it) he’s absolutely the perfect chap to approach. He’s a treasure, he really is! He calls himself Rossington Light Engineering, but there’s only him and a sort of dwarf man really, and the workshop is a total hovel my dear, a total hovel! Oh you should see it, it’s just so ethnic! But I say! Mr Wright’s over there! Mr Wright! Mr Wright! Oh, Mr Wright, I was just about to tell Hermione about little Ronny, you know the chap you introduced me to at the Hunt Ball! You tell it, please do, because you are famed throughout the county for your witty anecdotal style and repartee!”

“Oh all right then, luv. Ron is one of those rare people who give 101% on every job, and he's so skilled it brings tears to your eyes.” Hermione gasped with admiration of this horny-handed craftsman. Bill continued, “Anyway, he had a bad payer, and so Ron went round to see him. The guy had no money but what he did have was a phenomenally large quantity of 10mm studding, so Ron said OK, pay me in studding, so he ended up with tons of the stuff (literally).”

“Good gracious!” said both ladies in chorus.

Warming to his tale Bill went on “It was in 3m lengths, good quality gear. So natch, Ron rings all his mates up and after a few preliminary pleasantries introduces the subject of 10mm studding, how there's going to be a world shortage due to the Chinese bagging it all, etc.”

Hermione scowled briefly at the thought of the rotten Chinese affecting the economy of the civilised world so adversely.

“Then he comes up with his fantastic offer, 50p for a 3m length. Like a mug I said I'd have some, and since as it happened Ron owed me £25 I had 25 quid's worth. Not having bothered to visualise the purchase I sent Grandad, who’s 88, to collect it. That afternoon the battered Escort came up the drive, with three long parcels on the roof rack. Ron had sent 75 lengths, some sort of bonus for the bulk purchase. Grandad said "You'll have to help me get these off, it nearly crippled me getting them on. Anyway, what are you going to do with 250 yards of 3/8" studding?" (Grandad doesn't do metric). He trusts my business decisions absolutely, so I said, "Big job coming up, gonna use a lotta studding" and I left it at that. You can't fool your dad for long though, and I know that every day when we meet up in the storeroom he will nod towards the studding and give me a look. Eventually it will become embarrassing.”

“Why how absolutely fascinating and wonderful! What a life you chaps lead! But I think you’ve solved my problem! I’ll certainly approach your little Mr Causer for some of his superfluous 10mm studding (or mild steel threaded bar as some people will insist on calling it) first thing in the morning! Oh, does he have nuts as well?”

Receiving an answer in the affirmative she hastened across the dance floor full of girlish delight. “Daddy, daddy, I’ve heard about some 10mm studding (or mild steel threaded bar as some people will insist on calling it) that I can obtain very cheaply! Isn’t it exciting?”