Sitting drinking Monkman’s Slaughter (Cropton Brewery) and wondering why were so bitter and twisted, my pal and I came to the conclusion that it is because we are both members of that sad group of social misfits, the long-term self-employed. After some discussion we found that our basic philosophy had degenerated (or had been refined?) to ten simple tenets:

1. Dog eats dog
2. The devil takes the hindmost
3. Employed people don't know they're born
4. The smallest sub-contractor on the site is always blamed
5. Low achievers with peaked caps compensate for their frustrating and pointless lives by making it impossible for tradesmen to park their vans near their work. And they’re usually ugly
6. Large companies will always crap on small companies, who they see as a soft opponent
7. All branches of government, central or local, are basically out to steal your money and obstruct your work
8. All branches of government waste money, so taxation is inherently inefficient
9. The self-employed are regarded by bureaucrats as dangerous freeloading anarchists, when in fact they work harder than any fecking civil servant could ever imagine.
10. Almost everybody is fundamentally selfish, even some of the self-employed, but not me and you, eh, pal? No, we’re the salt of the earth we are. You’re my best mate Bill! And you’re my best mate John! I love you like a brother. . . .etc. . . etc . . .

Wonderful stuff, the old Monkman’s Slaughter, for giving the illusion of clear thought . . .